what i miss

I didn't think I would miss ANYTHING about high school.

I'm listening to Pandora right now and the glee version of True Colors just came on, which is one of the last songs I ever sang with Chamber Choir.

I miss Chamber a lot. I miss those great people, our awesome director, the amazing performances and all the incredible memories.

I also miss Calculus. I know right? I had some really great times in that class and I LEARNED amazing things.

I miss the friends I never see anymore.

But I have way more to look forward to.

Still, Dear Chamber, if you are reading this, know how much I love you and miss you. There will always be a place in my heart for the great experience I had with you.

a good day

Today was a really good day, especially compared to my semi-crappy weekend. Work was fairly entertaining if not a little boring. I may or may not have fallen asleep in the chair once or twice...After work I had a steamy time in Melissa's loft watching Incredibles with her, Kara, Jamal, Darren and Rachel, all who I love dearly. Then Los Hermonos satisfied my craving for salt and Mexican food, and also my craving for Brittany, Tiffany, Amanda and Sara. It was a day full of friends and food and girl talk and all that fun stuff. Hooray for days like today!

i am blessed.

It's hard on a day like today, when for 10 minutes during the sacrament I cry my eyes out, only to shift to ansty restlessness for the rest of the meeting, to remember all the things I am blessed with. I know that I am blessed. I thank Heavenly Father for my blessings every day. Some days my heart is just not in it. Mostly I could really use a friend. I know I have them, I know they help me, days like today, I don't feel it.

realizing some stuff.

I've spent a lot of time this summer pondering about myself, who I am, how I work, why I do what I do. And I've realized some things about myself that I never had thought before. You may disagree, but honestly, I don't care what you think, I'm the only one that matters in this situation. I've realized that...

I tend to cater to other people. I have this awful people pleasing mode and in the process I sometimes change myself depending on who I am with. I am constantly making concessions for other people, so most of the time I don't get what I need. This shouldn't be a problem, but honestly, it is. Because it's making it hard for me to see my own identity. It's hard to know who I am and how I handle things when that is dependent on who I am associating with.

I am totally 100% contradictory, and in the process can be hypocritical. I do things to my siblings sometimes that if they do me, bothers me to no end. I spank people's butts all the time, but I really don't like my butt being spanked. Some days I eat like a bottomless pit, and others I have no appetite. I literally am a mess of contradictions.

I NEED people in my life. I am a huge social person. If I am not doing something with someone, it really bothers me. I like people, I don't like being alone. I get lonely. I need a friend. All the time. At the same time, I don't like being in situtations with people I don't know, I don't like making effort. This goes back to the contradictions.

I'm abnormally emotional. I am constantly fighting my emotional side and in doing that I consider EVERYTHING and analyze everything.

I am hugely independent, but at the same time I don't like doing things by myself.

I need to be loved. My love language is that of touch. Physical touch comforts me and makes me feel loved and I need it. But I'm scared to constantly be touching people because I'm afraid of bugging them.

I worry about what people think of me. So much. Way more than I should. It takes constant effort to tell myself that it doesn't matter. Because the things that people say and how they act around me affect me a lot. I think that's why I always make concessions and cater to other people. I always worry about how they are feeling and what they are thinking, I'm afraid of bothering them with my problems, it's hard for me to just vent and get what I need from someone because I don't want to irritate them.

I don't know why I am the way I am, if I was born this way, or if I've been made this way through association with people. And in two years, I may be totally different. When you are 18 (almost 19), it is HARD to know who you are. But thankfully, I know without any doubt that my Heavenly Father knows who I am and He loves me. And I can live with that.

what it all came down to...

All the time spent studying my guts out,
All the exasperated phone calls as we wondered "HOW are we going to do this ALL in one day?!"
So many tears,
All the missed social events,
All the sleep my brain needed to recover,
The hardest, most rewarding times of my life,
Culminated in three events.
1. The AP Calculus test.
2. The AP English test.
3. The AP Music test.
And the results of those tests came today.
The only important numbers are those first three that are slightly brighter.


If you are not aware, you need to get a 3 to pass an AP test. This means that I passed them all and get about 10 college credit hours. I am a very happy girl today.

coming to terms

So, this phase in my life is bringing with it a whole plethora of adjustments and I think it is time that I come to terms with some of the following aspects of life:
1. The real world is different then I thought, and it is quickly approaching.
2. I leave for college in a different state in exactly two months from today.
3. Goldfish make me gassy (this is a HARD one to accept).
4. Friends are going (and have already started) to get married and have babies. This shouldn't freak me out as much as it does.
5. Any and all of my relatives and friends have a great guy for me to marry...awesome.
6. Rexburg is cold, and windy.
7. Right at this moment is not the time for a serious relationship. Soon, very soon. But not now.
8. It is up to me to do something with my life. I can either sit on my butt all day and watch movies, or I can take the initiative to have a life.
9. I make dang good money...I should save more of it.
10. My attitude is the thing that is going to make or break everything; this summer, moving out, every opportunity I am going to have.
11. Now is the time I am seeing who my true friends are--and I need to let go of the ones that clearly aren't true.

Just some musings on my way home from institute.

things to do in the summer

Summer can be the greatest times of your life. There's no school, homework or stress. You get to spend all the time you want with your favorite people. You can go up to bear lake and sit on the beach, you can take a road trip wherever you want to go, eat all the popsicles you want. Perhaps there is room for a summer romance...
Unless of course, you work full time from 6am-2:30pm, which means that once you get home, many of your friends are about to go to work. It also means that you get to read about all the fun things your friends are doing together that you couldn't do because you were at work. And then people invite you to do things at 9:00 which is actually when you are starting to get ready for bed because if you get to bed too late you will fall asleep at work.
That is the life I am living.
Summer can be the greatest times of your life.
But not for me unfortunately.