reflecting

Yesterday I went to a funeral for my Grandpa's twin brother's wife. I haven't been to a funeral since my great-grandpa's when I was ten years old, and this was a little bit of an ordeal for me. I won't pretend that I knew this woman well, but I've known her and loved her my whole life. The whole experience was entirely upsetting simply because I kept having two thoughts:
1) This is my grandpa's twin brother's wife. They are in the same stage of life. Are my grandparents next? I love them so much. I love the grandparents on both sides, although these on my dad's side are older. I kept thinking about how much I can't stand to not have Grandma Sue and Grandpa Leon in my life. I want so badly for them to be at my wedding, I want my Grandpa to give me my eidelweiss necklace, and I want to see my Grandma get all teary eyed and know that they are proud of me, I want them to hug me and be there in person. I want them to be around when I have my babies and love them for as long as they can. It was devastating to me to think about them being gone because I am a selfish person and I want them here for me.
2) I kept thinking about Uncle Leonard and how his wife isn't here for him anymore. And I felt it so deeply that it hurt me too. It made me scared to be alone, to have my spouse leave me, and I don't even have a spouse yet.
There are so many things I have been reflecting on lately because of my situation in life right now, and growing up and moving on, and the events happening in the lives of others. So much to think about, so much is changing, life is moving forward at full speed ahead. There is no going back. In one month my life will change forever, I will never more call this city my home, but my hometown, where I grew up. My growing up is approaching an end, although I know I'll continue to grow.
Apparently funerals invoke some intense feelings and thought processes.